He said you seem really nice, we should meet.
He seemed to have all his ducks in a row, polite and never implied anything.
He was a single full time dad of two small children which made me hesitant because my kids are older and very independent. But like I said he seemed to have it all together.
Running a successful company, a full time nanny, a Masters degree in anthropology? OK the last one was a little out there but on my quest to find a male to date and hang out with ( at this point) he seemed normal.
Notice how I keep using the word "seemed?"
He then said his name was Phoenix........I paused," that can't be your real name? "
"Yes" he said and he laughed.... " my last name is Knight."
Come the fuck on.
He was serious so I went with it. I agreed to meet him at his place because he couldn't get a babysitter or maybe because I was lonely and naive. He told me the address, it was about a 30 min. drive...up on snob hill as he described it. I knew the area, very well kept, big houses, reality new subdivision.
I drove out and parked nervously in the driveway and took a deep breath and then said "fuck it". I got out of the car and went to the front door. He greeted me almost immediately. He looked older than in his photos and seemed nervous as well. He invited me in .. now it was a very nice place on the outside but on the inside it was unkempt. He did have small children because the toys were sprawled out everywhere on the floor. There was a dog kennel in the far corner of the living room with a pitbull dog. I suddenly became uneasy. He offered me a drink. I asked for tea, he fumbled threw the cupboards anxiously as I watched him. His cupboards were somewhat bare. In one cupboard there was a bag of sugar, a stuffed bear toy, a small firetruck and what looked like a child's shirt?
OK red flag moment, the voice in my head was saying run.....but I wasn't fully listening because I was busy watching him.
I noticed some interesting art up on the walls in the hallway and living area. It was very good, not scenic but not quite abstract. The colors were bright, there were portraits and swirls of color threw out all of them. They looked like pictures of dreamlike states. He says, '"I did those." I was impressed with his talent. He also had told me previously he was a published poet, which also impressed me.
The real moment of clarity came to me during our conversation about an hour later.....or as I should clarify , his conversation. He had been talking about himself the whole time, not even really looking at me? He never once asked me anything about myself or what I do or anything.
His sentences all started with "I" and the subject matter was starting to scare me.
"I lived on the streets when I was a child because I left home when I was 13. I lived in an abusive environment. I watched my mother shoot my father when I was 6 and then I was taken away from her and put into foster care. I used to have a bad drug addiction, and I ran with the wrong crowds....ie; a reference to a well known biker gang."
I was in a bad movie......yes, a very bad movie.
More like an after school special.
I sympathized but it was the way he was explaining it, with no emotion, no change in facial expression....he was the ideal sociopath...emotionless.
I sat listening for about another 20 mins...." oh my look at the time, its getting late."
He turned and looked at me, which scared the shit out of me to be honest and I think he could tell.
" I really have to go, I have work in the morning and its a little bit of a drive home for me."
He got up and he was a big fella. 6'2" to be exact as it stated on his on-line profile.
I sprinted for the front door, he was right behind me. I got the door open and I think I mumbled something like "it was nice to meet you" or something like that. I jumped in my car and I thinking I was pulling away from the house before he had reached the front door to close it.
FUCK!
I felt as if I had just narrowly escaped a bad murder mystery movie.
The next day I Googled him on the computer. No published poet with his name. I looked up anything I could find with anyone with that name.......he didn't exist.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
Sunday, May 18, 2014
burning ring of fire?
I made friends with a guitar player in a local band. He was awful sweet with a country boy persona. I was instantly attracted to him and he could sing. I was very interested.
So when he mentioned to me that his band would be playing a pub down in a town in a country setting I thought I'm going to seize the opportunity and go down and feel out the situation.
The pub was a bit rustic. ha ha. I say that loosely. it was down right hick town. There were stuffed animals everywhere from a hawk to a full size bear! There was also everything country and some things that were a little questionable. I have never been in an establishment that served alcohol with chainsaws hanging from the ceiling.
I walked in a little shocked and confused and after a few stunned moments I chose to sit in the back away from the stage so I could feel out the place. I realized after I sat down that there was a giant stuffed moose head right above me. wow. I ordered a beer from the girl working there and waited.
the place started to fill up and soon the band appeared and he saw me instantly and came over to chat.
he was very polite and looked as if he was happy to see me. He excused himself because they were about to get started. I dashed outside for a quick smoke.
that's where shit got real.
I was standing alone outside the door puffing away on my smoke when these three women stumbled out to smoke also. Seeing that I was alone they started up a conversation with me. They were friendly and I was a little guarded, they were asking me some questions that made me uncomfortable.
" you 're not from around here? What are you doing down in this neck of the woods?"
I could tell I was in over my head with these chicks. I simply told them I was meeting someone, which wasn't a total lie..... " how do you like the band?" said the skinny chick. " they're good, I saw them before when they played in town,"I told her.
MISTAKE.
she proceeded to tell me that she was seeing someone who played in the band for the past few months and that she was exclusive to him but he wasn't to her? That he could do what he wanted but they were in a relationship?
What? that doesn't even make sense. So I excused myself and re-entered the pub and got myself a beer.I needed one cause I knew she was seeing the guitar player and that had been a warning to me.
I sat down at a table and listened to the band play, they were great, they played a lot of country with a little bit of rock here and there. The guitar player loved to play and sing Johnny Cash songs, like "burning ring of fire," which would soon feel more like a possibility than just a song.
When they finished their set I got up and went to the bar where I got a water, I knew it was time to bail because those chicks hadn't taken their eyes off me since they came in from their smokes.
Then holy shit, the guitar player came up to me at the bar and started chatting. I could see over his right shoulder that those chicks were stirring and pointing. damn. He proceeded to then introduced to his sister? wtf? She was really nice also and at that point those chicks were standing in a looming group behind the guitar player. I started to get uneasy. I found myself looking for all the available exits. I told my friend that I was gonna call it a night, he tried to get me to stay but I told him I just wasn't feeling it and have to go.
He leaned in and hugged me tightly and kissed me on the cheek. FUCK! I knew I had to get outta there. those chicks were wild. shit!
I said goodnight and with a look of panic on my face I sprinted towards the front door like a gazelle. I'm sure it was a fantastic sight for all those who had their eyes on me. I never looked back. got into my car and drove right home.
So when he mentioned to me that his band would be playing a pub down in a town in a country setting I thought I'm going to seize the opportunity and go down and feel out the situation.
The pub was a bit rustic. ha ha. I say that loosely. it was down right hick town. There were stuffed animals everywhere from a hawk to a full size bear! There was also everything country and some things that were a little questionable. I have never been in an establishment that served alcohol with chainsaws hanging from the ceiling.
I walked in a little shocked and confused and after a few stunned moments I chose to sit in the back away from the stage so I could feel out the place. I realized after I sat down that there was a giant stuffed moose head right above me. wow. I ordered a beer from the girl working there and waited.
the place started to fill up and soon the band appeared and he saw me instantly and came over to chat.
he was very polite and looked as if he was happy to see me. He excused himself because they were about to get started. I dashed outside for a quick smoke.
that's where shit got real.
I was standing alone outside the door puffing away on my smoke when these three women stumbled out to smoke also. Seeing that I was alone they started up a conversation with me. They were friendly and I was a little guarded, they were asking me some questions that made me uncomfortable.
" you 're not from around here? What are you doing down in this neck of the woods?"
I could tell I was in over my head with these chicks. I simply told them I was meeting someone, which wasn't a total lie..... " how do you like the band?" said the skinny chick. " they're good, I saw them before when they played in town,"I told her.
MISTAKE.
she proceeded to tell me that she was seeing someone who played in the band for the past few months and that she was exclusive to him but he wasn't to her? That he could do what he wanted but they were in a relationship?
What? that doesn't even make sense. So I excused myself and re-entered the pub and got myself a beer.I needed one cause I knew she was seeing the guitar player and that had been a warning to me.
I sat down at a table and listened to the band play, they were great, they played a lot of country with a little bit of rock here and there. The guitar player loved to play and sing Johnny Cash songs, like "burning ring of fire," which would soon feel more like a possibility than just a song.
When they finished their set I got up and went to the bar where I got a water, I knew it was time to bail because those chicks hadn't taken their eyes off me since they came in from their smokes.
Then holy shit, the guitar player came up to me at the bar and started chatting. I could see over his right shoulder that those chicks were stirring and pointing. damn. He proceeded to then introduced to his sister? wtf? She was really nice also and at that point those chicks were standing in a looming group behind the guitar player. I started to get uneasy. I found myself looking for all the available exits. I told my friend that I was gonna call it a night, he tried to get me to stay but I told him I just wasn't feeling it and have to go.
He leaned in and hugged me tightly and kissed me on the cheek. FUCK! I knew I had to get outta there. those chicks were wild. shit!
I said goodnight and with a look of panic on my face I sprinted towards the front door like a gazelle. I'm sure it was a fantastic sight for all those who had their eyes on me. I never looked back. got into my car and drove right home.
Thursday, May 15, 2014
the underground music buff
He looked different and that's what I'm beginning to understand that I may be attracted to. He had long goat like chin hairs, piercing blue eyes and those long dimples that I truly adore. He wasn't
very tall and was covered in tattoos... right up his neck. Yummy. His name was Jon and I could tell by his mannerisms he was nervous.
As we sat in the coffee shop and fumbled for words to say, I could tell this was going to be painful and I had to bring my "A" game and give it a good try.
We talked about the weather, we talked about cars? He had an old truck which he had proudly fixed up and proceeded to tell me about his skills for fixing it which was a topic I can handle being that my father was a mechanic.
Jon mentioned he knew some "people" from the area where I lived. He threw a few names at me and I recognized one, a guy named Chris. I jokingly said if you want to do a background check on me ask Chris, I've known him for about 25 years. Jon did not laugh, actually come to think of it Jon did not laugh at all during our coffee date. Sign that should have slapped me in the face.
We proceeded to talk about our kids as it became apparent that was the only thing we had in common. Our kids were roughly the same age. I spoke highly of my kids as all parents do.....unless you're Jon who had just returned from a local hospital. His son was doing a little rest there for drug addiction. Wow.
Now I'm not judging the kid, I was a kid and damn its hard. The pressures and the social media now a days. yikes! Jon suddenly looked extremely worn and old. He was a man who was broken. My heart truly goes out to any parent who struggles with a child with drug addiction. Jon basically said he had given up on his son. I don't know if I could ever give up on my child. It was defiantly mind crushing.
I tried to change the subject, "Do you have Facebook?"
Jon kinda looked at me embarrassed, I was confused. He paused and said " I do but its not what you think." Jesus Christ com'on man spit it out.
He then goes on to tell me that he doesn't use his real name......he uses his "underground name"
WTF...SMH
I was having coffee with a guy who blogs and mixes and promotes goth and very heavy underground metal music, almost satanic. Well holy shit, should I be surprised really? He then tells me he's very well known for this in "his community"
Which way to the cult?
Just kidding, I was very interested almost like enthralled with his story, number one because I couldn't believe it was true and two because it was like an accident on the highway, you just gotta slow down and take a look....(and that's what I did a few days later after my friend found his web page. Its a dosey, that's all I can say, throw in the pictures of the goat heads and all the people on there using their "underground" names its really quite like nothing I've ever seen.)
Anyway when the unbearable silence kicked in I started to get up from the table and he walked me to my car out in the parking lot. he started to put his hand out to shake but then he said. "do I shake your hand or give you a hug?). I opted for the hug cause after that story, I needed one.LOL.
I got in my car and drove away.....I knew we would never speak again.... thank you sweet baby Jesus.
very tall and was covered in tattoos... right up his neck. Yummy. His name was Jon and I could tell by his mannerisms he was nervous.
As we sat in the coffee shop and fumbled for words to say, I could tell this was going to be painful and I had to bring my "A" game and give it a good try.
We talked about the weather, we talked about cars? He had an old truck which he had proudly fixed up and proceeded to tell me about his skills for fixing it which was a topic I can handle being that my father was a mechanic.
Jon mentioned he knew some "people" from the area where I lived. He threw a few names at me and I recognized one, a guy named Chris. I jokingly said if you want to do a background check on me ask Chris, I've known him for about 25 years. Jon did not laugh, actually come to think of it Jon did not laugh at all during our coffee date. Sign that should have slapped me in the face.
We proceeded to talk about our kids as it became apparent that was the only thing we had in common. Our kids were roughly the same age. I spoke highly of my kids as all parents do.....unless you're Jon who had just returned from a local hospital. His son was doing a little rest there for drug addiction. Wow.
Now I'm not judging the kid, I was a kid and damn its hard. The pressures and the social media now a days. yikes! Jon suddenly looked extremely worn and old. He was a man who was broken. My heart truly goes out to any parent who struggles with a child with drug addiction. Jon basically said he had given up on his son. I don't know if I could ever give up on my child. It was defiantly mind crushing.
I tried to change the subject, "Do you have Facebook?"
Jon kinda looked at me embarrassed, I was confused. He paused and said " I do but its not what you think." Jesus Christ com'on man spit it out.
He then goes on to tell me that he doesn't use his real name......he uses his "underground name"
WTF...SMH
I was having coffee with a guy who blogs and mixes and promotes goth and very heavy underground metal music, almost satanic. Well holy shit, should I be surprised really? He then tells me he's very well known for this in "his community"
Which way to the cult?
Just kidding, I was very interested almost like enthralled with his story, number one because I couldn't believe it was true and two because it was like an accident on the highway, you just gotta slow down and take a look....(and that's what I did a few days later after my friend found his web page. Its a dosey, that's all I can say, throw in the pictures of the goat heads and all the people on there using their "underground" names its really quite like nothing I've ever seen.)
Anyway when the unbearable silence kicked in I started to get up from the table and he walked me to my car out in the parking lot. he started to put his hand out to shake but then he said. "do I shake your hand or give you a hug?). I opted for the hug cause after that story, I needed one.LOL.
I got in my car and drove away.....I knew we would never speak again.... thank you sweet baby Jesus.
Wednesday, May 14, 2014
life lessons (Dukiebear)
So it seems that we all learn some life lessons the hard way, some more than others, some more humiliating than others. The hardest ones seem to hurt unbearably, right to the core. I've learned a few in my life and some have left scars.
Let's call this one Dukiebear lesson number one. I will call it that for reasons I can't ... won't get into right now.
I had been "dating" this guy,(as every great story begins).. we had chemistry and I liked him, he made me chuckle. He was covered in tattoos, which were a mixture of spiders, spider webs and east coast macho isms. The spiders representing his fear of them and the east coast and scotia stuff well I think made him feel like he was a part of somewhere. He had a odd tattoo on his neck, two words, "much love". He had a great smile and a fake tan. We gelled together great or so I thought.
He did not work, had been in a workplace accident and had his back seriously injured and was off on disability for about 4 years now. That should have been a sign. Too much time on his hands.
We went on a couple coffee dates, hung out in a pub where he sang karaoke? Seemed nice enough, kind of guy that everyone knew and liked. Another sign.
All was good we texted everyday and yes I did sleep with him if your wondering. I had known him for about a month and somehow thought it was going somewhere. Boy was I wrong.
I go out with my sister and a couple friends to see a band which I really enjoy at a bar that I have never been to. Dukiebear is there ....on a date. POP! there goes my bubble, someone stabbed it with a big old butcher knife.
Dukiebear sees me, so I decide not to approach him after all I am with my people and I really have too much class to make a scene....right? At the same time I do not leave the bar because that would make me a coward. So I endure the painful process of being in the room for the entire date....ouch. I dance and surprisingly do not drink to much because I know that would lead me to say things that would only make me desperate.
I leave with my sister at the end of the night, a little broken but OK
I do not text him.
The next night while out with my friend I receive a text message from Dukiebear, "hey babe, it was a date, that's all. you're the only one I had had sex with in 5 months"
I stare in disbelief, is it an apology?
Is it a confession?
No its a load of crap that I don't need. I never responded, mind you my lonely heart wanted to but I knew in my head I shouldn't.
"Much Love" babe.
Let's call this one Dukiebear lesson number one. I will call it that for reasons I can't ... won't get into right now.
I had been "dating" this guy,(as every great story begins).. we had chemistry and I liked him, he made me chuckle. He was covered in tattoos, which were a mixture of spiders, spider webs and east coast macho isms. The spiders representing his fear of them and the east coast and scotia stuff well I think made him feel like he was a part of somewhere. He had a odd tattoo on his neck, two words, "much love". He had a great smile and a fake tan. We gelled together great or so I thought.
He did not work, had been in a workplace accident and had his back seriously injured and was off on disability for about 4 years now. That should have been a sign. Too much time on his hands.
We went on a couple coffee dates, hung out in a pub where he sang karaoke? Seemed nice enough, kind of guy that everyone knew and liked. Another sign.
All was good we texted everyday and yes I did sleep with him if your wondering. I had known him for about a month and somehow thought it was going somewhere. Boy was I wrong.
I go out with my sister and a couple friends to see a band which I really enjoy at a bar that I have never been to. Dukiebear is there ....on a date. POP! there goes my bubble, someone stabbed it with a big old butcher knife.
Dukiebear sees me, so I decide not to approach him after all I am with my people and I really have too much class to make a scene....right? At the same time I do not leave the bar because that would make me a coward. So I endure the painful process of being in the room for the entire date....ouch. I dance and surprisingly do not drink to much because I know that would lead me to say things that would only make me desperate.
I leave with my sister at the end of the night, a little broken but OK
I do not text him.
The next night while out with my friend I receive a text message from Dukiebear, "hey babe, it was a date, that's all. you're the only one I had had sex with in 5 months"
I stare in disbelief, is it an apology?
Is it a confession?
No its a load of crap that I don't need. I never responded, mind you my lonely heart wanted to but I knew in my head I shouldn't.
"Much Love" babe.
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
judging me
Before I "let" you judge me I must provide you with a small bit of background information on my small but growing life. I am a forty year old woman, separated almost 2 years after 21 years of togetherness with the father of my two beautiful "young adults".
there that's it all I think you will need to know...for now
I will however not be posting my life stories in order, they will come randomly and sometimes very honestly... maybe too honestly and with profanity.
I will begin with saying it is mothers day, may 11th and my "adult children" are at their fathers place of residence this evening for a BBQ...and with that I took the opportunity to go onto my online dating account to conjure up a coffee date and within an hour I had secured my opponent for the evening.
I quickly tousled my hair threw on some warpaint and hustled out the door to the local Tim Hortons fifteen minutes early of course because if I have to explain this, you've never played the game. its all about vantage point, the seating, the lighting and who may have the upper hand. that would be me selecting the booth and sitting close enough to the window to see him pull into the parking lot and walk to the door, but not too close so he can see me.
I sit very nervously fumbling with the lid on my cheap steeped tea, which is way too hot but I'm so engulfed with the traffic in the parking lot that I drink it anyway..stupid.
He comes in and approaches the table quickly, recognized me instantly.Wow. he mumbles "hi" and notices my tea and goes to the counter to get a tea also?? Another tea drinker...I'm hopeful.
Turns out my hope was short lived. He goes into such details about his son and their issues so quickly. Turns out his 22 year old son is currently in rehab for cocaine abuse. Fuck come on really.
That's way to heavy a convo for a first coffee date. I mean I sympathize, I really do....but shit..Don't lay that on me.
God damn it he was cute as hell too...tattoos, nice teeth and a little bit of the devil in his smile...fuck. Anyway the date was short and he was gonna shake my hand at the end...but I opted for the hug...wanted to smell him..he didn't smell like anything. Weird but ok ..I left hat date felling perplexed. No second date yet. ? Lol....that's it. Dating is hell and m up to my knees in this shit!
there that's it all I think you will need to know...for now
I will however not be posting my life stories in order, they will come randomly and sometimes very honestly... maybe too honestly and with profanity.
I will begin with saying it is mothers day, may 11th and my "adult children" are at their fathers place of residence this evening for a BBQ...and with that I took the opportunity to go onto my online dating account to conjure up a coffee date and within an hour I had secured my opponent for the evening.
I quickly tousled my hair threw on some warpaint and hustled out the door to the local Tim Hortons fifteen minutes early of course because if I have to explain this, you've never played the game. its all about vantage point, the seating, the lighting and who may have the upper hand. that would be me selecting the booth and sitting close enough to the window to see him pull into the parking lot and walk to the door, but not too close so he can see me.
I sit very nervously fumbling with the lid on my cheap steeped tea, which is way too hot but I'm so engulfed with the traffic in the parking lot that I drink it anyway..stupid.
He comes in and approaches the table quickly, recognized me instantly.Wow. he mumbles "hi" and notices my tea and goes to the counter to get a tea also?? Another tea drinker...I'm hopeful.
Turns out my hope was short lived. He goes into such details about his son and their issues so quickly. Turns out his 22 year old son is currently in rehab for cocaine abuse. Fuck come on really.
That's way to heavy a convo for a first coffee date. I mean I sympathize, I really do....but shit..Don't lay that on me.
God damn it he was cute as hell too...tattoos, nice teeth and a little bit of the devil in his smile...fuck. Anyway the date was short and he was gonna shake my hand at the end...but I opted for the hug...wanted to smell him..he didn't smell like anything. Weird but ok ..I left hat date felling perplexed. No second date yet. ? Lol....that's it. Dating is hell and m up to my knees in this shit!
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